The Wisdom of Greg by Susan and Bill Van Oije - Finding Collateral Beauty

Written by Susan Van Oije with Bill and Greg

Bill is just an ordinary guy who has had extraordinary things happen to him since the passing of his son Greg. Susan writes it all down. The Calgary, Canada affiliate leaders are on an amazing journey with their son. 

THE MOST HORRIFIC AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

— FINDING COLLATERAL BEAUTY

Bill often describes the passing of our son Greg as "the most horrific thing that's ever happened to me, and the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me." Beautiful? How can anything beautiful come from something so tragic?

Before Greg's passing from substance use 10 1/2 years ago when Bill was 60 years old, Bill firmly believed and was none too happy about the fact that "an empty Coke can tossed into a garbage dump would be around longer than me." And he was also, shall we say, not a fan of his fellow humans.

After his son passed, Bill could have gone full-on Miserable Old Man. When he had a heart attack three months before Greg passed and I asked him if anything had changed for him (I had my own spiritually transformative experience 6 years before when I was diagnosed with breast cancer), he said, "No. This place is still a **** hole." Things were not looking good for the Miserable Old Man trajectory. 

Today, Bill may be an older man, but he is not miserable. His entire worldview shifted after our son passed: "My experience with Greg has proved to me that I'm love, I'm light, and I'm eternal. And he's taught me about Oneness; that God is the Creator of everything and all life is connected to the One who created us. My old judgments have fallen by the wayside."

Elizabeth Veney Boisson, president of Helping Parents Heal which she co-founded after the passing of her son Morgan, often uses the phrase 'collateral beauty' (from a Will Smith movie of the same name) to describe what can happen after the passing of a child: "This journey toward healing is challenging, but if we open our hearts and minds, we can discover the immense 'collateral beauty' that our children in spirit offer us along the way. They walk beside us, holding our hands and guiding us forward, and they are our biggest cheerleaders." 

Accepting that you can find collateral beauty after a child transitions often depends on where you are in your healing journey. In the early stages, some parents will likely find it incredibly difficult to believe that anything beautiful can be found in the midst of devastation and despair.

But we lovingly encourage you to have faith that with time and healing - and guided by your children - you will start to see and experience all the ways the love of your child is having an everlasting positive ripple effect on your life and the lives of others. 

Even if you believe there is no possible way that the passing of your child can result in a positive of any kind, we encourage you to search for your own personal examples.

Did you:

•   discover the depth of your strength?
•   make new friends in the HPH community who understand and walk the same path as you?
•   start a foundation or charity in your child's name that positively impacts others?
•   draw closer to the Source, our Creator, and find comfort there?
•   lose your fear of death because you now know there is no death and we are eternal?
•   embark on a journey of discovery about yourself and what's important?
•   discover a greater awareness of your place in the Universe?
•   develop an enhanced ability to see the small acts of kindness and love in the world with fresh eyes? 
•   offer your deeper wisdom and knowledge to help others?

Greg's loving gifts to us since his passing are so deep and wide that it's difficult to select just a few. Almost five years ago, with a gentle nudge from our son, Bill and I started the Calgary chapter of HPH. We love to hear that our meetings are uplifting and hopeful, and we get just as much if not more joy out of the meetings and our interactions with HPH members. And again with a nudge from Greg three years ago, we started writing this monthly column for the HPH newsletter and blog and are so grateful to be able to share his astounding insights, wisdom and signs. We're overflowing with collateral beauty!

In one of Greg's many communications with his Dad, he quoted his Dad's strong sentiment back to him, proving yet again that Greg hears and sees everything going on in our lives: "The most horrific and the most beautiful is the process. The sooner you can come to this conclusion, the sooner the grief will pass. Way to go Dad! Face the reality and move on to the acceptance and gratitude."

The hardships of life and the surrender to and acceptance of those hardships with the help of our Source, Greg says, can lead to learning, peace and gratitude. Finding beauty and gratitude in the midst of hardship is a choice you can make for your own well being. The more grateful you are, the more beauty you see. Like the phoenix, something new and beautiful can emerge from something you thought was destroyed.

Greg recently told us that the road to joy is through gratitude, and in next month's column, we'll share with you the vital importance of finding joy and happiness in life again.

If you would like to hear more about our amazing experiences, Bill and I have twice spoken to HPH and the videos are available on the HPH YouTube channel: click here HPH welcomed Susan & Bill Van Oije, 'From Wow to How!'  for our video detailing the beautiful messages Greg gives us about how to live our best life in this very challenging place and grow our souls, and click here On February 3rd, Bill Van Oije spoke to Helping Parents Heal for the video in which Bill shares some of the astounding signs we've received. from our son.